I have been working on this post for five days now and think that it's finally time to post it. I have talked with friends about whether or not to post it and what's the most that could happen? I lose a few followers? Well, if I do, oh well, I won't apologize for feeling the way I feel. So, without further ado.......
Let's just say that I have struggled with relationships since I left my sperm donor, I mean my baby daddy when I found out he was cheating on me in 2003. For three years he tore me down emotionally. Not a day went by that he didn't tell me how fat and ugly that I was and how nobody would ever date me if I left him. After someone tells you shit like that day in and day out, you tend to believe them. Even though, a size 10 is hardly fat (NOW looking back on it). But anyway......
Well, what he said was NOT true, even though I believed him at the time. But, I picked myself up and moved right along. But here starts the soul searching. I wasted nine long years with my baby daddy, but got a wonderful son out of the deal. So, where do I go next??? Well, I became really good friends with a co-worker who recently (at the time) divorced her husband and decided she was a lesbian. Ok, I shouldn't say she DECIDED, she knew all along, but married and had a baby b/c that was what she was "supposed" to do. I ran around with her, frequented a few gay clubs here and there. And all of the sudden became many different lesbians "project". Evidently, straight girls is where it's at for some lesbians. LOL
Longer story short, I played on the other side of the fence for a while. After dating a woman for some time, I realized she was REALLY in love with me and I freaked out. I thought that this was just an experimental stage that I was going through and knew that the lesbian lifestyle was not one that I could live. Enter heartbreak hotel.......I broke this girls heart like nobodies business. She and I are still friends, years later and two other attempts at a relationship.
After I dated her, I dated a man for three years. We bought a house together, planned a family, you know, all the fairytale bullshit that eventually came to an end. After he and I broke up, the aforementioned girl consoled me, always lent an ear and then in a vulnerable state, she and I hooked up again. We dated on and off for another year or so and then I met "K".
"K" and I had met a few times before out at bars and clubs, but never exchanged more than a "hi, how are you?" Well, one night across a smokey room at a mutual friends football party, we flirted, talked football, drank beer and pounded a few shots. She thought I was the coolest chick since I loved football and beer. She asked me to marry her then. LOL
Well, enter lying and deceit......."K" and I have dated for the last two years and eight months and I have never been in love with anyone like I have been in love with her. I have hidden her from the world and lived in other's eyes as if I were single. Three times within the last 2.8 years, I have broken things off with her because I freaked out over not being able to live such a lifestyle. Each time, I would date basically the first guy that came along in an effort to forget about her. It didn't work. I always ended up back in her arms. Well, this time was no different.
Ya'll read about Mr. G. My attempt in forgetting about "K". Well, I am now living proof that lying to yourself and everyone that means anything to you is a bad, bad, deal. For the three months she and I were broken up, we both cried to each other. I cried to my two friends that knew about us. We were both miserable. But I put on a happy face and attempted a relationship in hopes that I would fall in love with Mr. G and we would live that fairytale life that my parents had wanted for me for so long.
No deal ya'll! Monday, July 6, 2009 was the day that I began living for myself. No more living my life to please other's like I have done alllll of my damn life!
"K" was still there for me and wanted me back again. After I broke her heart three times and turned her world upside down three different times. THAT is love my friends. That is fuckin LOVE right there!
I told her that I wanted to prove to her that I wouldn't freak out in six months like clock-work and break-up with her again, over nothing but paranoia in my mind. Each time we broke up, there was nothing wrong in our relationship. NOTHING! It was my mind telling me that I couldn't live that lifestyle. Well, this time, I knew. I knew I couldn't be without her. I knew I couldn't. So, in order to prove to her, I have since told six of my closest friends AND MY MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so afraid that my mom would freak out! Well, she didn't. She said that as long as I am happy and The Boy is taken care of, all she wants is for me to be happy. The only thing she is afraid of is what my step-dad will think. He is 67 years old (17 years older than my mom) and very old-fashioned. So, she is still trying to come up with a way to tell him.
So there you have it folks. I have had a ROUGH couple of years in trying to figure myself out. But right now, this is what I want. I am sure there are some readers of this blog that may not be okay with this, but hell, it's my blog right? LEAVE if you don't like what I have to say.
I'll leave ya'll with something my almost 10 year old son told me in KINDERGARTEN. Every day, I ask him what he learned at school. This particular day in kindergarten, he told me "Mommy, today I learned that you love with your heart and not your eyes. So it's okay if you love someone who is white, black, purple, green, man or woman." WOW. There you have it folks! You can't help who you fall in love with! Love knows no race or gender. Love knows love and that is it!
I assure you, I am no different than the *Just Jen* you knew 10 minutes ago before you read this. I refuse to apologize for what I have just written. But, if you are so narrow-minded and unwilling to accept what I have just written, then BEAT IT!
I love ya'll! And thank you to the couple of people that I have shared this with already who encouraged me to write this. I feel 358964% better already!!!
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